Monday, January 13, 2014

Am I missing it?

We were curled up together in those last conscious moments before being swallowed by sleep. My mind was replaying the day's events like a montage, a visual examen of sorts. Then, like an uninvited guest, a question snatched me from the edges of dreamland and jarred me awake.

"What if I'm missing it?" I asked aloud, wondering if David would respond.

"Missing what?" he mumbled sleepily.

"Missing whatever God made me for, that thing I'm supposed to do or be? I'm 42 years old and I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. But what if I AM grown up? What if I'm missing it?"

"You're not." he groaned, trying to discern if he needed to rouse himself for an all-nighter or if the simple truth of his response would be enough to encourage his anxious wife to to surrender to Mr. Sandman.

Every so often these existential questions plague me. While I know that God's grand plan does not depend on my participation, I do believe that he invites me to play a part. He invites me into the story and offers me work in his fields. And I want the job!

So I say, "Here am I, Lord! Send me!"

But then life just marches on. I fold laundry, lead a small group, knit a scarf, cook dinner, minister to a friend, walk the dog, mop the floor, preach a sermon, go to market, pick up a prescription, bake cookies, practice French, and after a while I start to wonder, "Did he send me?"

Am I doing the very thing he made me to do, or am I missing it? Is my holy calling nestled in the mess of the mundane? Or am I allowing the minutia of daily life to suffocate my divine purpose?

David prefers for me to avoid such thinking, it interferes with his sleep.

I can't let it go.

"I have this nagging fear that I might be a disappointment to God." I whisper, knowing the silliness of the sentiment, but feeling its burden nonetheless.

He hugs me close, giggling. In his laughter the burden dissipates. "You are not a disappointment to God." His words sound final.

I choose to believe them.

1 comment:

  1. I struggle with the same thing. Last night I didn't want to make dinner. I did any way. Grumbling in my spirit, but my hands couldn't help themselves. It was really tasty (unexpectedly). Elijah was watching The Hobbit on DVD. After I had confessed in my heart the ugliness during a simple cooking of a dinner, this part came on the screen. The timing of it drenching in the scent of the Lord. It was Gandalf speaking with Lady Galadriel after being asked why the half-ling (Bilbo): "Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I have found. I have found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love."

    He reassured me yet again that He has performed the great deed and all He asks of me is to simple trust and obey... especially in the small things for they matter greatly.

    Love you, Jenn