I have spent most of my adult life working in the church, both as a volunteer and as an employee. I loved every single minute that I gave to ministry. I thought that this was how God would always use me because I don't have the gift of evangelism. I thought only evangelists worked outside of the church walls. I am changing my mind on that one. Or God is changing my mind. Whichever.
Now I have the label "missionary." I really don't even know what that means. But from the time I set foot in this country I have felt a pressure, maybe even an expectation, to join all sorts of existing Christian circles in France. For some reason, I am resisting this pull. I think I need to get out of the holy huddle. I am feeling the pointed gaze of my Coach. He's asking me to get in the game.
Don't worry. I haven't forgotten that I need the church. I haven't forgotten the command NOT to give up the habit of meeting together. I know that I need teaching, accountability, support, and a community of worship. I am not going to stop going to church. I AM going to stop JUST going to church.
I am feeling called to be with those who are on a journey towards God--those who may not even know that they are indeed on a journey. I want to be with people who are far from God. I want to allow people to experience the goodness and the love of God in the places that they live and work, and I want to stop expecting that one must dawn the doors of a church to get a glimpse of God's kingdom. I want to take the kingdom of God to the world.
I realize many of you are doing this now. You are living out your faith at work, in your communities, with your friends, everyday. I never denied my faith or hid what I believed. I just found myself spending the majority of my time with those who are like me. I found it comfortable to be with other Christians who didn't challenge my thinking or threaten my beliefs. And I made little effort to make friends or build relationships with those outside of my cozy little circle.
But God has busted me out of those cozy circles, and while I love and miss my wonderful friends at home, I think He is asking me not to run back to the safety of the holy huddle. A huddle which I found ready and willing to take me in here in France. A huddle of lovely, well-meaning people. A huddle of people who may be doing exactly what God has called them to do. A huddle of people that I love, but I am not called to serve.
Oh it would be so easy to link arms with these groups. I could be the Jenn in France that I have been in Spokane. And really, she wasn't that bad. Perhaps she was exactly who God wanted her to be in that place for that time. But that Jenn is not who God wants me to be in France. And so that Jenn is being de-constructed.
I am not sure who will be built in her place. I only know that God has a plan, and I am willing to become whatever He wants me to become in order to do that which He has called me to do.
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