Saturday, August 6, 2011

The Wait

I've been crying a lot lately. 

I have shed tears of fear, tears of repentance, tears of joy, tears of grief, tears of anger, and tears of exhaustion. Some tears do not even have names, they just appear: uninvited, unintended, and unexplained. 

I am not sure if I am going through another wave of culture shock or if I am battling depression or if I am simply overwhelmed. 

At times like this I find myself asking the question, "What have we done?" I seriously wonder why we left our comfortable life in the States for this uncomfortable life in France. Things that I thought would stay the same have changed. Things like my marriage and how we parent are different here. We have different challenges, and it feels like everything I once knew no longer applies. We are in uncharted waters.

There is a sense of desperation which drives me to my knees. But even my relationship with the Lord has changed. I once felt like a favored child of God, now I struggle to see his face and hear his voice. I want to pray in faith, but my faith fails me.  

Last night Chandler said to me, "Mom, I have three words for you: Isaiah. Forty. Thirty-one."

 But those who wait on the LORD
    will renew their strength.
  They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

My son speaks truth. 

And so I wait. 


  1. I'm so sorry you are hurting. Please know you are being prayed for and our prayers are in confidence that the Lord is doing an exceedingly great work in you and through you for your good and His glory.

    I wish a comment field could depict voice. Please know the next few sentences are spoken barely above a whisper in all gentleness with abundant love.

    Although you are hurting, I am grateful for this temporary pain for it brings a new understanding.

    I've heard (and always assumed it was in jest) that you thought yourself "favored" by God. I was surprised when I read your post because I thought you knew it was impossible.

    For you (or anyone) to be favored more than another implies that His love varies and has degrees. It also implies that He would favor others less. God is love and it is contrary to His very nature to give more or less of Himself.

    His love is complete and unfailing. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

    I share this for only one reason-- guard your heart against the Enemy of your soul from believing the hideous lie that you have some how lost His favor.

    It is impossible.

    The Lord does allow silence for periods of time to grow our faith. But He would never leave you or forsake you.

    Be of good courage dear sister in the faith... the Lord's mercy endures forever.

    If you ever doubt His great love for you, you need only look to Jesus and the Cross...

    Love you <3

  2. God speaks-this time through your son. My heart cries with yours, but my spirit prays that you will soon experience His presence with you. God bless, Carolyn

  3. You are in the right place. I'm so sure of this that I look forward to the 'victory blog' that I know is on the way.

    I really know how a father's love works. And you will too, very soon.

  4. Jennifer, my love rest assuredthat our Lord knows your heart and is listening. We will pray, love your mamma

  5. I will wait with you my friend. Love you and dont forget "God loves you best" He always has and always will. Loving you from afar.

  6. I too have been in a similar place as of late with God. Off and on it goes, one day I feel like I've found my footing again and the next like I'm hopelessly slipping away. I pray for you the same assurances and comfort that only God can give. Friends and family are wonderful to have alongside you, holding up your arms when you are weary in battle but I also know that nothing they can do or say can help in the darkest of moments. Know you are not the first to have these times, I firmly believe that's why God gave us the Psalms and Job. If David, a man after God's own heart, could struggle so with feeling/seeing God's hand then maybe it's not so bizarre for me to have those times. Lots of love and prayers from Houston!!

  7. So sorry to hear this but keep being honest and let it out so others can pray. I understand France depression so email me if you ever need to vent:)