Death by Cucumber

I know that I am prone to exaggerate, but I honestly had a moment last week when I thought I was going to die. I was at the women's Bible study at my church, where I was scheduled to speak later in the evening. Having not had time to eat dinner, I was enjoying the snacks that were available while socializing with a dear friend. Suddenly, I inhaled (rather than swallowed) a thin slice of cucumber, which landed smack dab on the top of my windpipe.

I could not breathe. I was stunned, confused, and scared. I looked at my friend with wide eyes, wordlessly trying to communicate my distress. Thinking I was just being my normal dramatic self, she continued our conversation and asked me a question that I could not answer.

In my silence, the gravity of my situation dawned on her, and she frantically asked, "Are you choking?" I nodded vigorously, and began doing the most unladylike contortions of my body that I have ever done. Pride is worthless when you think you are dying.

My friend called out into a room full of women, "Does anyone know the Heimlich Maneuver?"

Three women standing nearby thought she was joking. Hmmm. That sounds like how I would've responded, had it not been me who was in desperate need of a breath. Note to self: NEVER joke about needing the Heimlich, and ALWAYS assume that someone calling for it is in genuine need.

One woman did come over to me to perform the Heimlich when, by my own efforts (and probably divine intervention) the wicked sliver of a vegetable was finally dislodged from its deathly destination.

I lived.

But in the moment of terror, I actually thought that I could be the victim of death by cucumber. I could just hear Eliza Dolittle telling Henry Higgins how I reached my demise:

"Them says it was a cucumber that done her in!"

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