It seems to happen every September.
A little dark cloud moves into my world and settles itself over my heart. My mood dips. My attitude falters. My hope diminishes. My joy evaporates. My perspective changes.
I am lost.
And then the accuser comes:
"You wretched thing! How can you be so ungrateful? Didn't you just have a lovely vacation? You should be rested and happy!"
"You lousy missionary! You should be full of the Lord, daily proclaiming his glory! How dare you choose to hide!"
"You pathetic Christian! You claim that Jesus has transformed your life, but you look no different than the rest of the world. Worn. Desperate. Hungry."
I woke up Monday morning to these voices, which seemed to crash down like an anvil on my chest. I couldn't move. I couldn't breath. I couldn't pray.
Then he spoke. Words so gentle, their soft truth relieving the crushing pressure. "You don't have to go there."
He lifted me from my bed, carried me to the church where our tiny community gathers for prayer. After worship and reading the word, I knew, I knew that God was showing me the exit ramp--and it was fast approaching. Would I get off of this highway to depression? Could I really choose NOT to go there? Or would I just fake it?
Freedom from captivity always involves bringing our darkness into the light. There is no other way.
Reluctantly, courageously, I opened my mouth. In a whisper, in French, I confessed my condition. "I'm battling depression. It happens every year, and I want to break the cycle. I believe that God can keep me from falling into the pit, but I need help."
That was my attempt to steer my life toward the exit. It was all I could do.
And they prayed.
Monday the sun broke through the clouds. Tuesday I awoke in my panicked estate once again, but this time I could pray, I could hope, I could believe. The clouds parted. Today I woke rested, calm, trusting. The cloud is no longer there. Glory to God.
I don't have to go there. I am a new creation. Saved. Changed. Liberated.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17
A little dark cloud moves into my world and settles itself over my heart. My mood dips. My attitude falters. My hope diminishes. My joy evaporates. My perspective changes.
I am lost.
And then the accuser comes:
"You wretched thing! How can you be so ungrateful? Didn't you just have a lovely vacation? You should be rested and happy!"
"You lousy missionary! You should be full of the Lord, daily proclaiming his glory! How dare you choose to hide!"
"You pathetic Christian! You claim that Jesus has transformed your life, but you look no different than the rest of the world. Worn. Desperate. Hungry."
I woke up Monday morning to these voices, which seemed to crash down like an anvil on my chest. I couldn't move. I couldn't breath. I couldn't pray.
Then he spoke. Words so gentle, their soft truth relieving the crushing pressure. "You don't have to go there."
He lifted me from my bed, carried me to the church where our tiny community gathers for prayer. After worship and reading the word, I knew, I knew that God was showing me the exit ramp--and it was fast approaching. Would I get off of this highway to depression? Could I really choose NOT to go there? Or would I just fake it?
Freedom from captivity always involves bringing our darkness into the light. There is no other way.
Reluctantly, courageously, I opened my mouth. In a whisper, in French, I confessed my condition. "I'm battling depression. It happens every year, and I want to break the cycle. I believe that God can keep me from falling into the pit, but I need help."
That was my attempt to steer my life toward the exit. It was all I could do.
And they prayed.
Monday the sun broke through the clouds. Tuesday I awoke in my panicked estate once again, but this time I could pray, I could hope, I could believe. The clouds parted. Today I woke rested, calm, trusting. The cloud is no longer there. Glory to God.
I don't have to go there. I am a new creation. Saved. Changed. Liberated.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17
Jennifer, I have struggled with depression my whole life. I have thought it just me, that if I could pray harder, get more of Jesus I would be better and I continued to beat myself up for this. When we moved I went into such a depression that I could not get out, I constantly cried, I lost any joy, I wanted to end my life. Then I found a wonderful counselor who let my cry my eyes out for days and she sent me to a Doctor and she put me on Medicine. I am not ashamed to say that I feel better now than I have ever felt. I feel normal. I feel stable. I no longer cry all the time. I can think. I only say this to say that I understand. I am praying that you find answers. My answer was a chemical imbalance that I couldn't change. Thank God there are smarter people than me out there. I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteYes!I know there are all sorts of manifestations of depressions, and many are clinical and require medical intervention. Praise God for such prescriptions. Mine is not chemical, at least not at this point, which is why the solution was spiritual. I know this is not always the case.
DeleteOh, Jenn. Thanks again for sharing your heart. You are such a gifted writer/communicator. I like to think about moving in and out of depression (which I do too-albeit more when I was younger) as a season God is allowing me to go through.
ReplyDeleteI think of Ecclesiastes Chapter 3,
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
There are different seasons, and perhaps you are not meant to experience this depression ... but sometimes, I know God can use my sadness to help me get closer to Him, just as He looks like He's doing with you. I'll be praying for you dear friend. May He give you a big hug today.
Blessings to you!!
Thanks, Cassy. I receive every word.
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